ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
You Might Also Like
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
drew a comic about my origin story
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you