Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

me when i smell free food in the break room

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

Not helping

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking