Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.