Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
