Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Who did it better?

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef