Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.