Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

Ferrari squats

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.