Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
He instantly became one of the bros
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Real 😅
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”