ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My beach vacation Google searches
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
No one:
London landlords:
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.