ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I can’t wait!
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing