ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you