ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
😎 🍻
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
how to market bottled water to dads
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.