Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

same but as an audience member

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.