Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

😂🖐️

what it’s like dating me:

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”