Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
This anagram machine is out of order.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.