Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

The biggest mystery of our time

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

2023 was just a warmup

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode