ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
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I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.