Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants