ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
🤣🤣💀
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Drive like no one is watching.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.