ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Wolves should really raise more people.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
I am HOWLING at this
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
“How do you do, fellow birds?”