Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

Got him!

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.