Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

A small tragedy.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.