Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

this will hang in the louvre one day

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam