Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.