Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.