Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

britain’s three elite institutions

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”