Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

seems like a niche market

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches