Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”