me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
crochet youtube is brutal
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.