me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.