Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

When I said I liked it rough.

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good