Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*