Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.