Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me driving through Toronto
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Perfection.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.