Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Good morning

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.