Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

socratic questions

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Time for evil

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes