ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
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My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first