Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids