Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad