Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
You Might Also Like
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
THIS HEADLINE
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
*weighs self after shaving
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
The prophecy is fulfilled
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”