Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”