Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
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[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please