Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
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I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it