Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
You are what you delete.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
