Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

ok like just. call me at this point

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Good morning!

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”