Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.