Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Something Saturday.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.