I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: It’s cold outside.
Them: It’s not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I’m about to elaborate on.
You Might Also Like
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
God: your name is Owl.
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.