@shutupmikeginn

Me: It’s cold outside.
Them: It’s not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I’m about to elaborate on.

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@lazerdoov

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

@murrman5

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

@otaaee

i asked my 8 yr old sister what she wanted to b when she grew up & she said “i actually dnt wanna b anything”. & when i asked her why not she said “its too much work”. i never felt anything on a spiritual level more than that right there

@jlock17

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

@vivschwarz

Zoom sucks, we started having editorial meetings in Red Dead Redemption instead. It’s nice to sit at the campfire and discuss projects, with the wolves howling out in the night

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

@ProdigyNelson

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit