Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

incredible google review i just found

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

We avoided this particular disaster

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”