Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

🤣🤣

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.