Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
