Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

the only organized thing in my life is crime