Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I ate everything, including the H.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Spring cleaning checklist…
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
The Friday File.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.