Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
I’m not lazy
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale