Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”