ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time