ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
You Might Also Like
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Hitlers gonna hitl
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
#catsoftwitter
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction