Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
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Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
it must be school picture day
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.