Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Your honor these allegations are

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

this was very charming

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later