Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]