Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face