Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.