Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
a public service announcement
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.