Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.