Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.