Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Generation gap…
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT