Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance